"If you want a happy ending, that, of course, depends on where you stop your story."
-Orson Welles
Is It?
Is it jealousy if I hate myself for not having what you have? Is it jealousy if I beat myself up for not being happy for you, but at the same time very proud that you’re doing so well? Is it jealousy if I don’t want to listen to your love story because your reality will always be just a fairy tale for me? Is it jealousy if I die a little inside every time you talk about how great it is, not paying attention to how its like thrusting a knife into me? Is it jealousy that I see your pictures with tons of friends and I’m not interested in meeting any of them? Tell me, is it jealousy?
Is it anger if I kick, scream, and yell at you because I love you so much that I’m hurting inside? Is it anger if I send sarcastic texts back because no matter what I say, you will never get it? Is it anger if I ignore you for days because I can’t bear to see you like that anymore? Is it anger if I lie about things because the truth reveals too much about me? Is it anger if I choose to walk out of your life forever because watching you from a glass window is better than having to bear the burden of being your friend? Tell me, is it anger?
Is it neglect if I disagree with what you say? Is it neglect if I spend hours explaining something, but you refuse to listen? Is it neglect if you don’t notice the little words that make me feel so small? Is it neglect if I’ve given it my all but you still don’t understand? Is it neglect if I don’t want to walk down this road anymore? Tell me, is it neglect?
Is it regret if I’ve done everything I could? Is it regret if there was no other way? Is it regret if I call you once in a while to make sure you’re doing okay? Is it regret if I check your facebook once in a while just to see your face? Is it regret if I steal glances at you when nobody is watching? Is it regret if I write an ambiguous Tumblr post about you, knowing you will never read this and know that its about you? Tell me, is it regret?
That moment that she saw him, she felt something strange. She had not seen him for weeks due to the busy schedules of their lives. Even their weekly visits were cut short with no forewarning. She didn’t realize that she had missed him until she saw him getting off that bus. Her heart jumped a beat. When he looked up and smiled at her, she forgot about everything else in the world. He came up and patted her shoulder while saying something about how she looked that day, but all she remembers is how at ease his voice put her. She didn’t know how wound up she was, until he got her to relax. As he walked away and she got on the bus, she felt an emptiness fill her. It was as if something she loved had just been taken from her.
Although friendship is all she looked for in him, he reminded her of how she should feel. She’d been dating another person for weeks with no emotional development. However, she blamed herself. She figured that maybe love was not for her, that maybe she was suppose to feel bored and trapped in a relationship. What if other people felt that way, but they never admitted it? Ending the relationship was her usual pattern, but she wanted to anything but predictable, so she stayed. She sat through long dinners and answered uninteresting texts. Seeing him that day made her realize that she can feel something more, and that she should find someone who made her feel amazing.
Hello Stranger
We don’t know each other…well. I know your name and face, but that is something a cashier or a waitress or that lady walking down the street can easily find out. You seem so interesting to me. I want to find out why you walk that way or why you speak that way or why you dress that way. They say the door to a man’s heart is through his stomach, is that true for you? Is your job hard? Or is it fun for you? Have you gone to school since I’ve seen you last? Do you still love her? Do you want to know these things about me?
I’m not looking for a love story. I’m looking for a friendship that I thought I saw a glimpse of. We’ve met twice in totally different situations, won’t you say that this might be fate? Who are you? And will I ever get the chance to find out?
From the stranger you’ve met twice,
Divien
A kick in the right direction
Today was such an amazing day that I don’t want to do anything before writing it down. Remember the post I wrote about playing on the VSA soccer team and absolutely hating it? Well, today made it all worth it. Today was game day and bring the game we did. Aside from dominating all the other sports, soccer was our main skilled event. I can’t even properly describe the day to you, only adrenaline and happiness go through my head when I think about it. Let’s just say, we had great teamwork combined with excellent technique. Everyone on my team impressed all the school and I’m so thrilled I got to say I was their teammate. The skill level shown just blew my mind, especially from the girls. It was AMAZING to witness.
As for me, I dived, kicked, ran, head budded, defended my way through the games. I’m soo proud of myself, I improved 100% from not knowing how to play soccer to being able to defend a lot of the balls coming my way. It was absolutely thrilling and tiring at the same time. I played my heart out and tried to put everything anyone’s ever taught me about soccer to good use.
As we played more games, we got closer as a team. The same people who use to make fun of me and was annoyed by me were the ones hugging me and encouraging me on the field. We had these penalty kicks during the 3rd game and we were tied. At practice, I never made a single shot. I’m great at stopping the ball and passing or defending the goal, but shooting is a lot more technique that I didn’t have time to learn. Well, as fate would have it, I had to do a penalty kick. At that moment, I felt like I was going to be the biggest embarassment of the team. However, they all ran towards me and hugged me and said “just have fun.” I did not make the goal, but they came to me hugging as if I did. It was a big change from that first practice where they ran the ball in circles around me. I felt apart of the team, a feeling I haven’t experienced since cross country ended. I must say I’m in love with this high and I’m sad that the year is ending right as we all started bonding.
Sticking with the team was the best decision I have ever made.
Right now I need a song that will drown out this voice. A song that won’t make me feel the doubt and insecurity. I need a song that makes me feel like I’m not alone, that soothes and encourages me. I only want to listen to a voice calming my anxious heart. The more I sit in silence, the heavier my body feels. The questions start to come back and my mind floods with negative thoughts.
Close your eyes little girl, close your eyes and don’t open until I tell you to.
“Good writing does not succeed or fail on the strength of its ability to persuade…It succeeds or fails on the strength of its ability to engage you, to make you think, to give you a glimpse into someone else’s head—even if in the end you conclude that someone else’s head is not a place you’d really like to be.”
-Malcolm Gladwell
My teacher gave me a book yesterday after I did a presentation that was written by Malcolm Gladwell. I thought I would never get into a book that wasn’t about wizards, and magic and made up adventures, but just the first few pages of his prologue about the ordinary things having a story has captured my interest.
So this is what college is about? Nights where you wander around campus searching for a perfect study room. Then hours of studying with people you absolutely adore. Also, the little breaks where you discuss random interesting facts just to distract each other from being productive. Ahh, nights like these are what I live for. Nights with no set plans and no obligations, just friends being together, feeling the same burden, motivating each other.
I have one year left at Emory, but I’m already starting to miss hanging out with these people. I’m going to miss walking to and from class, stopping by starbucks to get coffee, waiting in line at Einstein Bros. These moments are so precious, but they happen too fast.
I’ve been blessed with meeting the nicest, most caring, multi-talented people on earth. When life rips us apart, I look forward to the season we get to meet again.
How could it hurt?
It’s just one text, one phone call, one date. Everything seems so meaningless when you look at it like that. That one text you send real quick before going to sleep or that one phone call you brushed off that meant nothing to you. You never even thought twice about it. You never thought about the person on the other side. The person that waits for your texts. The person that gets disappointed by that phone call you didn’t pick up.
Today was a roller coaster of emotions. It all started when I had to wake up extra early to make up a tennis class I had missed last week…at 8:30. As I was rushing to make the bus, I realized I forgot my wallet and keys inside….essentially my whole life. As I was already locked out, I couldn’t dwell on the fact that I was homeless and moneyless for the day. As soon as I walked out, another realization came upon me….wearing shorts on a rainy day means getting splashed in the legs by every footstep. Well, it couldn’t get worst so I trekked on. When I got to class, my teacher said he doesn’t “have any record of an absence” for me, meaning I didn’t need to wake up early looking like I just got ran over by life to go to this class. Nonetheless, I brushed it off and played some good ol’ tennis, which always cheers me up.
Afterwards, I asked my RA to open the door for me but he refused. Not surprising, he’s not known to be a good friend or RA for that matter. I was trying really hard to be fair to him, since I’ve been an RA and I realized that handling lock outs is not all that fun. But come on dude, it was raining and I was in shorts and sportswear. Ahh, but I kept that to myself, though I will surely never forget it. When I went to the library, I noticed I couldn’t get in without my ID….another big whoop. Luckily, Shirley passed me her card and treated me to lunch. Aside from being the good samaritan, she also tried to calm me as I was suppressing me anger about the universe. That was when we ran into Nasir, who graciously walked me back to the apartment and opened my apartment for me. We got a chance to talk a bit, just enough to make me remember our conversations last year.
Anyhow, today made me realize that being a good person to other people is really important. Another person’s trivial problem to you could be the difference between standing out in the rain or sitting in bed for them. Life has taught me another lesson that I thought I knew, and I will try extra hard to help people to the best of my abilities. And to Nasir and Shirley, thank you thank you thank you. You guys will never know how much your generosity has affected me. If I get the chance, I will repay you a thousand times over. But until then, I’m sending out good vibes to the universe for your prosperity.
I could tell she was having a hard time, but I never did anything about it. As much as I wanted to sit next to her, listen to her story, I also didn’t have the courage. When I need someone to talk to, I call up my closest friend. Why wasn’t she doing the same? I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to talk to someone about it. A big part of receiving help is asking for it. Did she expect people to approach her first? People aren’t that nice, or brave. Anyhow, I never mustered up the courage to talk with her. I spent my classes watching her sink in her seat. The more people in the class, the smaller her frail figured shrunk. I told myself that time would teach her to talk again. Everything always turned out alright…right?
Years have passed and I never saw her again. I wonder how she does occasionally, mostly when I feel smallest. I hope you are doing well, stranger that I never met.
