"If you want a happy ending, that, of course, depends on where you stop your story."
-Orson Welles
You’re probably deep in sleep right now. You’re probably laying on the edge of your bed, shirtless with the covers only covering one leg because your room gets really hot in the summer. You’re probably dreaming about dancing or Kendrick Lamer or your friends. You probably don’t know that I’m sitting here in my bed ten exits away thinking about you. I should be reading and writing and studying, but none of that sounds nearly as fun as daydreaming about you. Somehow when I wasn’t looking, you made a home in my mind. Although we’re still trying to play it cool, I just want to let you know that even if you changed your mind tomorrow, I won’t.
Ben: So, what’s his name?
Taylor: Who’s name?
Ben: It’s written all over your face that there is a “he.” And the way you keep zoning out makes me think something went wrong.
Taylor: (smiles)Bruce.
Ben: Wait, Bruce? That was your first sign.
Taylor: (Laughs) I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt. It all started at a bar. He didn’t notice me, but, even with a lot of alcohol in me, I noticed him. He was wearing a purple shirt, standing by himself near the pool table. I remember thinking “I wonder whats going on in that head.” I never imagined that I would get a chance to find out. Just one month later, I saw him again, but this time on a trip to Florida. I was shy and awkward because out of 18 people on the trip, I only knew 5 and got along with 3. Not even 5 hours into the trip, I was already regretting going. Until he sat across from me at dinner.
Ben: Sounds like fate was on your side.
Taylor: I thought so too. After a few drinks, I found myself laughing my heart out with him. He was quiet, mysterious, and carefree. He was everything I’m not. But he was also everything that I wanted. Of course, I didn’t know it at the time. He was just a guy I met on a trip.
Ben: So what happened when you got back from Florida?
Taylor: We continued talking. Our first date was the worst. I went home feeling like I lost something that hadn’t even begun yet. But he kept calling and slowly, I got more comfortable. Before I knew it, the dates came every week and the texts came everyday. He became someone I had to talk to everyday, someone I missed when he was busy.
Ben: What went wrong?
Taylor: That’s the thing, nothing went wrong. You could say we knew we weren’t right for each other from that first date, but we kept hoping. I thought, “if two people are willing to be in a relationship with each other, that’s all you need, right?” Boy was I wrong. The heart wants what it wants, and our hearts did not want each other. I don’t know why we didn’t stop when we knew. We just kept going, for months. I missed him when he was gone, but seeing him left me disappointed each time. I guess you could say the thought of our date was better than our actual date.
Ben: But he had everything you wanted in a guy. How could you not feel anything?
Taylor: I’m asking myself the same thing.
It’s interesting. Very interesting. One minute ago, I was somebody else. In just a minute, my mindset, emotions, and mood have all changed. It only took a minute to turn me into a different person … Just… One short minute.
What’s in a truth?
If I said I was happy, would you believe me? If I laughed with you everyday and smiled a million times, would you believe me then? If I danced wherever I went and skipped to a beat that only exists in my head, would you be more inclined to believe me? If its the truth that you want, but the truth you don’t believe, should I even try to convince you?
Past, Present, Future
This is so scary. Maybe scary isn’t the word. Vulnerable. I feel so vulnerable right now and that is so scary. Can I be the type of person that only looks forward and let the past stay in the past? I really want to be. For you, I’d be anyone in the world. I’d be the girl that stands up for you when someone makes you feel bad. I’d be the girl that will listen to all of your stories for however long you want to talk. I’d be the girl that tucks you in at night, makes you breakfast in the morning, and drives you to work. I’d be the girl that fights with her family for you, because I know I can make them understand why I like you so much. I can be any girl you want, except for the girl that stands by as you pierce my heart and pride with memories of your past relationships. Do you not see how those reminders of her affect me? She’s tasted your kisses, held your hands, heard your stories. Everything that I love about you, she’s been there. She’s felt that warm embrace that I miss when you’re gone. She’s met the family members that I try so hard to impress. She’s spent all those days hearing you say those sweet words that make me fall for you over and over. She’s seen and experienced it all, and I wish she hadn’t.
For me, you’re the only person I see anymore. You’re the only one I’d call when I want to laugh or cry. You’re my morning coffee, my late night trip to sweet hut, my ramen on a rainy day in Ngan’s apartment, and my laughs with Dan at the library. Everything reminds me of you and I love it. I laugh when I drive in the rain and see cars without their headlights on. I think of you when anyone talks about salmon or asparagus. Even the stars in the night sky remind me of you, or should I say binaries in the night sky. I’ve fallen into one of my daydreams, and I love every moment of it. I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure that this fairy tale really is my new reality.
Sigh, I can’t be mad at you for having exgirlfriends. But I can write about it extensively on tumblr.
Trapped
I feel so trapped. I’m in an endless loop of exhaustion that I want so desperately to escape from. Too tired to cry but too stressed to sleep. This is a new type of night for me. One that will leave me with scars and bruises and a vow to never return. Stupid stupid stupid.
It’s one of those days again.
Sometimes I think about the people that have left my life, and I miss them. Just for a moment, I almost want them back. They gave me good laughs, made me feel included, and changed me for the better. Why oh why can’t they stay with me forever?
I feel even more helpless when I hear the other person is having a tough time. If I could just talk to you, I know I can make you feel better. If only I had the guts to pick up that phone. I hope he is doing better. Being alone was never his thing and it seems like he is more alone now that ever. If I could, I’d spend hours telling you that you’re one hell of a guy who leaves friends and lovers with an everlasting impression.
Tonight we talked about love. He said he loved his first girlfriend from 6 years ago and definitely didn’t love his second girlfriend. Even after all this time, he still looks kind of sad when he talks about his first love. He tried to play it off with a joke, but I could tell that she will always be the one that got away from him. Should I feel jealous? She has what I so desperately want; yet, she doesn’t want it at all. But he was different back then, a completely different person. He was a skinny, quiet boy with a big insecurity. Now, he is a strong man who’s confident about himself. If she came back to him now, would they fall back in love?
Will he ever feel so strongly about me?
I understand now why people want to change themselves for another person. “If I could just become the person you want, I’d be happy.” That goes through my mind everyday, and somedays, I almost believe it.
